Wednesday, February 3, 2010

# Contests # Guest Blog

Valentine's Guest Blog: Lisabet Sarai

My Valentine's Romance Guest Blog even continues with today's special guest, erotic author Lisabet Sarai!

Lisabet is offering a print book from her backlist to a random commenter! Post in the comments for a chance to win. :)


I have been happily married for nearly twenty eight years. Nevertheless, I don't think I am monogamous by nature. Before my husband and I hooked up, there were periods in my life when I was simultaneously in love with, and had sexual relationships with, two men. I realize that some readers may find this outrageous, as well as improbable. I couldn't possibly have loved them both, could I? And how could the men involved have put up with such a thing? That sort of thing happens only in novels―usually in erotica rather than in romance.

Well, it's true. I couldn't help it. And actually, it worked reasonably well. When I was with either of my lovers, he was my emotional focus. I did not fantasize about the other man. I didn't compare the two of them. Each of my relationships stood on its own, not perfect (that never happens, except in romance novels) but enjoyable and fulfilling.

I didn't lie. My lovers knew of each other's existence. In some cases they had even met. If they were jealous, they knew better than to complain. I gave myself 100% to each of them when we were together. I guess they cared enough about me to be satisfied with that.

But all that changed when I married, right? Not exactly. Before we met, my husband had enjoyed at least as active and adventurous sex life as I did. Our marriage contract explicitly acknowledges the fact that we might not be monogamous. We grant each other sexual freedom, provided that we are honest with one another and always put our marriage first.

In fact, neither of us has been involved in side relationships with other people. However, we did experiment with polyamory in the first decade or so of our marriage. We were both attracted to the notion of finding another couple with whom we could have an intimate friendship or even form a family. We didn't really succeed―swing clubs and parties are not the right places to find the sort of deeper connection we wanted. I've come to believe that real polyamory is something that happens, not something you can go seeking. In any case, we didn't become monogamous, technically speaking, until we both got to the age where it seemed a bit ridiculous for us to be looking for outside lovers.

Despite this, I consider that I've been faithful to my husband. Don't scoff. Fidelity is an emotional concept, not a physical one. Our relationship comes first. His happiness and comfort are my primary concern. I might be drawn to a guy I meet, but I won't act on my attraction if I think it will hurt my husband (and these days, I know that it would). It doesn't bother me if my spouse is attracted to another woman because I'm confident that I come first for him, too. He could have sex with her and it would not diminish his love for me.

I've always had extremely vivid dreams, not infrequently erotic. I have a recurring dream where I encounter some man and there's instant chemistry. I don't usually dream explicit sex acts but every touch, every glance, overflows with desire. (I'm always younger in my dreams―somewhere between 25 and 30 when I was in my prime―so it never feels odd to attract someone's lust, the way it would in my waking life.) I'm so horny that I can scarcely bear it. He obviously feels the same way. It's overwhelming, intoxicating.

Then I'll remember: I'm married. If I go off with this other guy, whoever he is, my husband will be alone. I don't want to make my husband suffer. I know he needs me, needs my company, my presence. So, with some regret, I'll let go of the dream guy and the arousal he engenders. I'll explain the situation. I'd love to be with you, but I can't. I'm committed, and I take that commitment seriously.

I find this dream scenario fascinating. You'd think that in my dreams, where no one would get hurt, I'd let loose and give expression to my non-monogamous nature. Yet I don't. It's a measure, to my mind, of true fidelity.


Raw Silk now available at Total e-Bound
LISABET SARAI has been writing fiction and poetry ever since she learned how to hold a pencil. She has published six novels and two short story collections, as well as contributing stories
in more than two dozen print anthologies. She has also edited two erotica anthologies, and is the editor for the upcoming Coming Together Presents series of single-author altruistic erotica.
For more information on Lisabet and her writing visit her web site, Lisabet Sarai's Fantasy Factory (


  1. I love Lisabet's works. I can't wait to read Raw Silk.

    Tracey D
    booklover0226 AT gmail DOT com

  2. Hey. I don't normally leave comments, but I just wanted to say thanks for the great information. I have a blog too, though
    I don't write as good as you do, but if you want to check it out here it is. Thanks again and have a great day!

    Warcraft Articles

  3. Years ago I was involved in a triad style relationship.
    I had been married (A semi open relationship) for 15 years and my wife had taken a girl in to live with us. We became close and eventually all three of us ended up together in a loving relationship.
    The relationship lasted a long time.
    Eventually it ended however between all 3 of us.

    Now... years later I am married and not in a poly style relationship.
    Would I be open to another situation like the last?
    Doubt it.
    The reason however is because of relationship upkeep.
    Relationships take time and work.
    I don't have the time...

  4. Interesting views! I myself don't believe there should be "one" type of relationship. If all involved are willing and able to deal with it, why not have polyamour?

  5. I been with my better half for what feels like forever we have a very opena nd honest relationship he and i have astrict we canbring other sin to the bed room if we both fully agree and eveyrones comfortable. I know he loves me as much as I love him but sometimes al ittle spice helps everything we do the whole our way and no one else we r so close it makes some ppl weary and feel weird but we chose our life and are happy I agree with J on the shouldnt be one set type if ur happy and everyones in agreement go forth and do what you feel is right just dont condem others for it or rub ur life ins omeone elses face some may not agree with how you feel and such and thats ok as long as they know it ur life not theirs and vice versa

  6. Greetings, all!

    Thanks for your comments so far. I'm looking forward (I hope) to hearing many more views on the question of "Fidelity".


  7. Fidelity is a fluid concept and should be interpreted by the people involved in the relationship not by what society dictates. If everyone agrees then what they set as the boundaries is what can happen. This is all theoretical and real life is messy so even with an open relationship things can get lost in implementing the agreement. Only in fiction is everything neatly laid out and resolution happens in 500 pages or less.

  8. I agree. Fidelity is TOTALLY an emotional concept. Your marriage and my current relationship are quite similar with regard to monogamy.

  9. I am married and have been monogamous for the whole of our marriage. However, we are open and honest with each other and have discussed the possibility of swinging in the past. The way I look at it, why are we attracted to all of these other people if nothing should happen with anyone else once we are married. If we can love and care about many family members, why not several sexual partners?


  10. Sorry, I don't believe in poly or other side relationships. I don't think you can say you're putting your husband first when you're in the arms of another man. It's not that I don't believe someone could have an affair -- definitely, because an outsider may give you something that your husband doesn't. But in traditional romance, there's one man and one woman.

  11. I agree that fidelity is in your heart, not your body. If you and your mate bring each other pleasure, does it matter the means?

    Love is not bound to a single entity for me. I could easily love many and not feel as if I was betraying the others... and I hope to one day know this as truth.

  12. The problem is keeping everyone's name straight. I had a friend with multiple male friends, but it ended when she started slipping up and calling them by each others' name. Maintenance like that is hard. Heck, I've only two children and I frequently call them by the wrong name. I'd be doomed in that type of relationship.It's much better in fiction.

  13. I always say to each his or her own. I will say that I've come to believe there are different genetic patterns in human beings. I truly believe we are genetically setup to be either monogamous or not.
    It's not that one is better than the other.
    Now, when commitment enters the picture, that is truly a beautiful thing and to be treasured.
    I'm monogamous. I always have been. It's simply my true nature.
    What I would like to see, is that we all respect each others' true natures.

  14. I have always said live and let live. I think if adults agree they want these types of relationships and no one gets hurt by them ,go for it.Looking forward to reading your book Lisabet.
    Carol L.

  15. Hello again!

    Thanks for all your opinions and insights. I definitely believe that each individual needs to discover what works in terms of relationships.

    My randomly drawn winner is Bobbie Russell. Bobbie, please send me your snail mail address, to lisabet [at], and I'll send you your book.

    All the best,

  16. I have come after mnay years to believe that Love is the One True Thing and that it can bind two or three or ten people at times, in various ways. Sometimes lust and sex are totally outside of love and sometimes within it. To me sharing your heart and soul is more intimate than sharing your body. I was faithful physically and mostly emotionally to one man for 32 years. Now am faithful to a friend with whom I have a special realtionship but...we both have permission to be non-exlusive if we wish so long as we are honest. Honesty is the key--cheating is when you sneak and lie and hide; it is not when you are open and accepting. JMHO! I write m/f, m/m and menage erotica and find that exploring my characters has really expanded my own attitude and acceptance. Fidelity is in the heart!

  17. This is ALWAYS a hotbutton issue, and sex politics generally tip off battles larger than the one over healthcare. Interestingly, the formation, upkeep, the precise privileges and how those are defined are the subject of a ongoing WWE style SMACKDOWN match in the Poly and Kinky group. I, for one, totally agree with your statements - monogamy is all about the emotional connection. I've been involved in two triads previously, and I definitely wouldn't mind being involved in one again. However, what several of your posters have said previously is correct: relationships take work, and you need to be prepared to handle that situation. On the other hand, I wish more folks involved in (or trying to get involved in) the poly lifestyle read your blog post here. I don't think anyone would fault you for maintaining your definition of monogamy, though, I might decide to allow my night vision fantasies to run wild! But, that's just me....};)


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  19. For now, we rely on Jarak and hope Savous and Hyle get back in time. Hyles hand came up to brace on his shoulder, encouraging him to look up again. For a heartbeat, Nialdlye thought shed fall into Radins embrace and that Savous would follow. He didnt look up. She would not cause that fear tonight.
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