5 Rules of Social Networking for Lunatics (a Cautionary Tale)

I'm the kind of person who, in a perfect world, probably shouldn't be allowed near an Internet connection. When that network router is going, I develop a biological imperative to put whatever I'm doing aside to reach out and explore strange new worlds, to seek out new friends and tweeples and tribemates, and to boldly go where absolutely everybody who is anybody has already come, seen, and conquered. 

I try to be savvy, really I do. But between juggling work and a family, life and a writing career, I find myself unable to master the social media scene. It seems no matter how many hours I spend, I will still manage to use each and every network incorrectly and get lackluster results. Then I become frustrated and give up...for a while.

In short, I'm a social networking lunatic.

Becoming a social networking lunatic takes time and work, but with some crazed effort and a little inspiration, you can do it too.

5 Rules for Becoming a Social Networking Lunatic:

1. Join absolutely any and every social network that crops up.

Can you name every one of the social buttons posted above? Do you have accounts with all thirty? Are you on even more that aren't listed? If not, you aren't lunatic enough. Joining far more networks than you can ever hope to maintain will help ensure that you meet the criteria for the other rules. 

2. Drop a few posts and run to the next social net. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

By not spending proper, consistent time and effort to establish yourself on any one social media outlet, you can be sure of increased frustration and diminished returns for your efforts. With any luck,  you can even manage to lose followers who attempted to interact with you but didn't get a response.

3. Dump frequent, redundant, 100% self-serving content, even during interactions.

Be sure people hear about your product/service/cause at least every 15 minutes, in case they left to use the bathroom and missed it. If someone follows you or interacts, always respond with a promotional message rather than a personalized reply that builds a relationship. And even better, scour the nets for outside posts and twist the replies around to spam your marketing angle.

4. Don't waste time learning strategies for using each social network.

Assume one is the same as the next. Maximize wheel-spinning by using social media any way you see fit, rather than how popular users do it. By bucking the trends, you will more readily find yourself having to put out more and more effort and still be ignored.

5. Abandon your networks regularly and for extended periods of time.

Sure, everyone may leave a social network here and there after discovering it isn't serving their goals, but that's not what a social network lunatic wants to do. Simply give up and stop posting to most of your networks, preferably for six months or longer, and then go back later. Upon your return do NOT attempt to update yourself on the latest trends for proper use of the media. It's far more crazy-making to stay stuck in the old ways that brand you as out of touch to savvy users.

After faithfully following each of these rules, be sure to earn additional frustration points by whining about your lack of subscribers and how your efforts to promote yourself are failing. You'll find in no time that you've driven yourself into becoming a social network lunatic.

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J. Rose Allister is the author of over twenty books and is a self-proclaimed social media lunatic. She is a firm believer in the art of learning how to do a thing by first learning how NOT to do it. She lives in Southern California, as well as frequently in her head. Follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/jroseallister.